Not being “heard” by a partner is frustrating. No one wants to feel insignificant, invisible, overlooked or taken for granted. The common response when one feels they are not being listened to, is either to fight harder to get their partner’s attention, or retreat or withdraw often leading to depression.
Often a client says they feel they can’t express themselves in the relationship because when they try to talk, their partner becomes defensive meaning they only see and defend their side and their experience, often claiming they are “right”, without even hearing the initial partners complaint.
Therefore, I am sharing with you a fail-proof system of communicating, that eliminates both getting defensive, and eliminates triggering someone else from getting defensive. It is fail-proof when done correctly and I see tremendous changes in couples when we do this in therapy.
Here is information for you to understand and use the process. I would love to hear how it works for you. May you have significant and powerful results. Enjoy!
Effective communication is essential to a good relationship. Good communication skills may not solve problems or resolve issues, but no problems can be solved, or issues resolved without them. We may communicate well or poorly, but we cannot NOT communicate. One of the most effective forms of communication between persons in a committed love relationship is the INTENTIONAL DIALOGUE. It consists of three processes called mirroring, validation and empathy. Mirroring is the process of accurately reflecting back, the content of a message from one partner. The most common form of mirroring is paraphrasing. A “paraphrase” is a statement in your own words of what the message your partner sent means to you. It indicates that you are willing to transcend your own thoughts and feelings for the moment and attempt to understand your partner from their point of view. Any response made prior to mirroring is often an “interpretation” and may contain a misunderstanding. Mirroring allows your partner to send their message again and permits you to paraphrase until you do understand. Validation is a communication to the sending partner that the information being received and mirrored makes sense. It indicates that you can see the information from your partner’s point of view and can accept that it has validity- It is true for the partner. Validation is a temporary suspension or transcendence of your point of view that allows your partner’s experience to have its own reality. Typical validating phrases are: “I can see that…l”, “It makes sense to me that you would thing that”, “I can understand that …”, Such phrases convey to your partner that their subjective experience is not crazy, that it has it’s own logic, and that it is a valid way of looking at things. To validate your partner’s message does not mean that you agree with his/ her point of view or that it reflects your subjective experience. It merely recognizes the fact that in every situation, no “objective” view is possible. In many communication between two persons, there are always two points of view, and every report of any experience is an “interpretation” which is the “truth” for each person. The process of mirroring and validation affirms the other person and increases trust and closeness. Empathy is the process of reflecting or imagining the feeling the sending partner is experiencing about the event or the situation being reported. This deep level of communication attempts to recognize, reach into and on some level, experience the emotions of the sending partner. Empathy allows both partners to transcend, perhaps for a moment, their separateness and to experience a genuine “meeting.” Such an experience has remarkable healing power. Typical phrases for empathic communication include: “and I can imagine that you must feel…”, and when you experience that, I hear….and that makes sense to me.” A complete dialogue transaction may then sound as follows: “So, I understand you to be saying that if I don’t look at you when you are talking to me, you think that I am interested in what you are saying. I can understand that, it makes sense to me, and I can imagine that you would feel rejected and angry. That must be a terrible feeling.” The reciprocal exchange of this process is the INTENTIONAL DIALOGUE.
When a couples come to my office for therapy, I usually ask, “What is it that keeps you together?” Answers range from convenience, sex, money, companionship to the most frequent response, “We love each other”. The problem with this response is that love means different things to different people. Sometimes the expectations that one associates with love can add to the relationships conflicts. i.e. “If you loved me you would do this ..…or you would feel this ..…” The second question I ask is, “Do you trust each other?” Interestingly, many people emphatically say “No, we love each other but we don’t trust each other”. Trust and good communication are the two main ingredients necessary for intimacy. Therefore, love without trust is not enough. Without trust we don’t feel safe. Many people have problems with trust. If handling things alone and taking care of yourself was what you had to do as a child, it may feel unfamiliar and scary to be in a close relationship. On the other hand, come people cling to those they love, being overly jealous and unable to tolerate a healthy level of independence.
Intimacy isn’t something you can experience alone. By it’s very nature, it assumes a relationship and a relationship means risk. The other half of any relationship is a person you can’t control. But in a loving relationship, you and your partner can create intimacy with excitement, passion, good communication and trust. Rewards are great when you are willing to work together.
The following is an INTIMACY ASSESSMENT meant to be used as a guide to assess intimacy in your relationship. Think about a partner or a close friend and ask yourself the following:
They prevent us from being in harmony with the world. Resentments are hardened chunks of anger. They loosen up and dissolve with forgiveness and letting go.
Letting go of resentments does not mean we allow the other person to do anything to us that he or she wants. It means we accept what happened in the past, and we set boundaries for the future. We can let go of resentments and still have boundaries.
Try to see the good in the person, or the good that ultimately evolved from whatever incident you feel resentful about. Try to see your part. Get clarity on what your boundaries are and be willing to speak up and state your boundaries with others. (teach people how to treat you). Then put the incident to rest.
most frequently for one or more of the following: better communication, more trust, more emotional intimacy or more sexual intimacy.
Often, one partner wants the other to have more empathy, compassion and a better understanding of their perspective. Sometimes people don’t feel safe asking for what they need or want in the relationship. Sometimes people ask for what they want but never seem to get it. Whatever the reason, couples often reach an impasse, unable to get the empathy and understanding they need from each other by themselves.
Statistics today identify the four predictors of divorce to be:
Criticism, Defensiveness, Withdrawal, and Contempt
By eliminating these adverse coping skills and replacing them with loving and effective skills and techniques, relationships improve. Trust, communication and a loving connection can be restored and re-established.
support and direction to help couples develop what they need to make a break-through rather than a break up. Most therapy is short term. I teach effective skills that you can use at home. The goal of therapy is to make changes so the couple will have